A Girl’s Best Friend
 
I am 30 years old and have had a couple of relationships which did not work out.  I understand and accept the reasons why this happened and my contribution, including self-acceptance issues and attracting controlling partners.
 
I grew up in a materially comfortable but sometimes emotionally lacking environment.  I’ve worked on myself, developed my own interests, and determined my life purpose through fulfilling work.  The issues I am faced with now are family members who say I can’t keep going on alone, and friends who ask why I am scared to give men a chance.
 
They’ve suggested for some time I put myself on dating websites—a concept I’ve never been fully comfortable with—be more flirtatious, dress in a more feminine way, and date for the experience and to boost my self-confidence.  After all, they say, you can always leave one man when you meet another you want.
 
The trouble is I’m hoping for true love.  Based on the way I was raised and my belief system, I’m not comfortable with flings, casual relationships, or relationships where I cannot reciprocate the other person’s feelings.  I attach intimacy to emotional connection.  The idea of long-term commitment no longer scares me.
 
I do go on dates, but when I realize I do not wish to develop things further, I let the other person know.  The whole point of this should be feeling happy, but I feel anxious and under pressure.
 
Nancy
 
 
Nancy, in the book “Twenty Ads That Shook the World,” James Twitchell writes about N.W. Ayer & Son, an advertising agency with a serious problem.  One of their clients wanted to sell colorless rocks.
 
These rocks were good for almost nothing except drill bits.  What was even worse, the darn things last forever and are found in tremendous oversupply in South Africa, Zaire, Ghana, Namibia, Botswana, Australia, Siberia, and Canada.
 
For N.W. Ayer & Son it was a puzzle.  Their client, De Beers Consolidated Mines, had made some inroads with consumers after World War I by linking diamonds with engagement and marriage, but the idea wasn’t widely accepted.
 
Then in April 1947 Frances Gerety, one of their copywriters, put her head down in exhaustion.  How, oh how, could she link romance, essentially valueless crystals, and human needs in a way which would move these stones?  In an inspired moment she wrote, “A Diamond Is Forever.”
 
We live in a sea of other people’s purposes.   It isn’t enough that you are a working, productive member of society.  It appears your family and friends would like you to buy a colorless rock.  Though it may enhance your value in their eyes, what you seek is not the crystal but what the crystal is supposed to represent.
 
So here’s a voice on your side.  Your ideas on dating are sound and sensible.   We appreciate that you don’t play with a man’s affections, that you are true to yourself, true to your feelings, and honest in your actions.
 
The only flaw we see is that you seem blue based on what others are suggesting.  Sometimes, when we drive down the right road and don’t see any signs, we doubt ourselves.  Right roads often aren’t well-marked, but that doesn’t mean they are not the right road.
 
The purpose of a relationship is not to shut up your parents or satisfy your friends.  Take a look at your map and reaffirm that you are heading in the right direction.  Then regard unsolicited advice the way a duck regards the rain.  The duck is not vexed by rain, it simply rolls off its back.
 
Many women who write us think dating is shopping.   They think they can make any man the right man.  They just need to get one.  But intensifying the feelings of the wrong man can lead to marriage to the wrong man.  Diamonds may be forever, but a bad marriage will seem like an eternity.
 
Wayne & Tamara
 
 
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
 
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .