Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
 
Just Business
 
When my wife and I were dating, we knew our relationship was God-sent and that eventually we would be married.  At the time we were facing college, but our parents were not hip on the two of us dorming on the same campus, so they refused to pay our tuition.
 
Determined not to be split apart, we married and put ourselves through college.  During our college years we struggled financially.  One worked fulltime and the other schooled.   Then the roles reversed.
 
My wife’s parents are wealthy.  They buy restaurants, run them awhile, then sell them.  During our college years, they called each week and bragged about their latest financial triumph.  It was something grandiose each week.  They bought new Cadillacs, built with cash two large and plush custom homes, and bought ocean-front condos which churned out cash they bragged about.
 
They owned a private beach home, new furniture, expensive clothes, and jewelry.  Thankfully, they occasionally gave us gift money we used to help with necessities, but their cash gifts didn’t touch our forever blooming tuition costs.
 
Several times during our college life the in-laws sold one of their successful restaurants.  The idea of owning a restaurant made our mouths water.  Each time my wife and I asked to buy the business.  Each time they refused.  So we would put away the dream of business ownership and go back to our schoolbooks.
 
When the in-laws decided to sell their last restaurant and retire, my wife and I saw this as our last chance to get into business.  We asked to buy it, and they startled us by agreeing.  The contract was written by their attorney.  We owed them “X” amount, including the interest they charged us, with payment due each month.  We had to sell our home and give them the cash from the sale as down payment.
 
In no way was this “mom and dad giving.”  They sold to us looking to make a large profit.  There was one oral stipulation: they would train us four weeks and then retire.  But at the end of the training, they still came and went as they pleased, ate the food, kept their hands in the cash drawer, and wouldn’t allow my wife and I to make simple changes.  They held back on teaching us the business.  It was a living nightmare.
 
At first we tried to be respectful and drop hints.  At the two month mark I casually asked my father-in-law, “So are you two about ready to retire?”   To which he replied, “We’re not going to retire as long as our daughter is working here.”  I was speechless.
 
Things turned ugly after that.  They said I was the one that wanted them out of the business, not their daughter.  After more argument here, and manipulation there, I quit.  My wife pretended she was the owner for several months, then one day, depressed over arguing with her parents, she quit.
 
Nearly two years had passed since we bought the business.  Her parents were in the business from the first day till the day we left.   Five months later, they resold the business and retired.
 
To this day I have tried to forgive them.  Yet I am daily reminded of the damage they inflicted on me as a person, on my marriage, and on my family.   Financially we never recovered.
 
Since then my wife and I have had two great children, but the in-laws now want to visit all the time.  I find myself tied to two of the most manipulative and hateful people I have ever known.  How does this look to a non-involved person?  If I forgive them as my faith tells me, does that mean I should trust them?
 
Robert
 
 
Robert, your thoughtful letter raises so many issues—about the nature of forgiveness, our obligations to family, and the basic laws of behavior—we will devote our entire next column to your answer.
 
Wayne & Tamara
 
 
Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.
 
Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com .